if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
