sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
