I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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