In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
