it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize