Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
