She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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