There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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