I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish I only lived at night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
