Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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