dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
