I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
