When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
