one might say we're banned from that church
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
