I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize