I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
