I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
