when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
