I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
