Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
