If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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