News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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