im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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