Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
And then he peed in my hair
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