Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
