Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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