fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
