What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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