...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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