he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
