my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
