Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
