how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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