I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
