in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
