what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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