I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
