Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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