We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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