I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
