break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize