judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
