every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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