my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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