Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
