So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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