This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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