I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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