If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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