i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
