I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
