I CAN MOONWALK!
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
