Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
