when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
pray to the hookup gods
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize