did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My vagina just recognized that song.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
