He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
