i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
