someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
