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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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