you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
